Want Great Sex? Get Real.

We aren’t sex crazed. We’re sex starved.

I can’t discuss women and sex and leave men out of the equation. Today’s podcast on women and sex, while cheeky, could not have been more serious. I know it rattled some women and ironically enough, I saw men hurl themselves in front of the oncoming bus of ‘who’s fault is it anyway?” Shocking.

It’s not enough to say, hey ladies, great sex will cure all your bitterness! But it’s kinda true. Really.

But what is great sex? Well, that begins with men. For the countless men who have encountered the ‘psycho’ woman, I would submit to you, there’s been a man somewhere along her path, whether thru active participation or absence, who didn’t love her well. He didn’t cover her heart. Thus, a generation of women who think they are men and have the pink hat or battery pack to prove it.

It’s not enough to lay hyper or toxic masculinity at the feet of men, purchase our battery operated sex partners or look to other women to inordinately and unnaturally satisfy and fulfill one of our most basic human needs. But we do. Women now surpass men in porn downloads, swingers clubs, etc…but you don’t hear those stats. Because they don’t serve the narrative of men are pervs, useless and to be extinguished.

Women die of heart disease at an alarming rate. My ministerial background tells me it’s more about the brokenness of women and the hearts, their dreams, their rest and joy as women that determines how well their ticker functions biologically.

Again, the spiritual, emotional and psychological quotient of women is a bit more dynamic than most post kitchen and apron women will admit. I’m no academic. I’m a minister of the heart. And confessions tell a story you won’t get from an EKG, Cath Lab or FB survey.

Sex and all of its physiological benefits are chronicled ad nauseam. So, why aren’t we heeding the ‘an orgasm a day will keep the withered vagina, divorce, frownies, needless fantasies’ away?

Why aren’t we talking to the broken hearts and shattered promises of couples for the purpose of restoration? Why aren’t we talking about the secrets we keep that keep us divided? Why does the church leave out the Apostle Paul’s admonition to ‘do it’ more often to keep the enemy out of our marriages? OR, to remind women and men that our bodies, as married folks, no longer belong to ourselves alone, rather the spouse you’ve agreed to become ONE with? What are we so AFRAID of?

We hold on to bitterness toward the other sex as if it’s a badge of honor to see who can tear the deepest in the flesh of an already fragile human. And I don’t care who you think you are, we are all fragile as humans.

You can look no further than our political divide and see that for yourself. Fragile. But that’s not what the Nike ads sell or Deodorant commercials of athletic and corporate women ‘ruling their world’ That’s not what the songs we sing say… “Who runs the world?! Girls!” And trust me when I say, Jay Z isn’ the chick in his house.

We mock natural biological life transitions because we feel inadequate having a mature discussion about how to transition well. We seal the woman away in a room for a ten year process of hell and wonder why she’s a bitter, caustic, dried up, frigid bitch when she emerges.

We shove pills down our mens’ throats with pictures of our college aged daughters, complete with perfect hormone panels, tight skin, perky boobs, illustrious hair and natural pouty lips to lure them into usurping their own biological changes, while mocking their wives’ to make them longer, stronger and lasting.

Give. Us. A. Break.

We’ve flagrantly tossed physical intimacy off like a name tag that’s lost its adhesive. We do it as if it’s a right of passage, it’s a natural part of the male/female tension. We’ve bought the Hollywood narratives for so long, we’ve exchanged the very simple truth of who and what we are for and to each other for so long, our lips, arms and bodies are lonely.

Our diseases tell on us. Both mental and physical.

Show me a woman who’s loved, honored and celebrated well, both emotional and physically and I’ll show you a happy woman. A strong woman. A woman at rest. Her biology can be influenced by the simple things and men aren’t immune to this obvious phenomena.

On a side note, I don’t want to hear about your struggles of juggling kids, house and husband. I was a single, broke, widow of a chronically ill child. My sympathy meter is super low. Really. I mean, I get it. Having an adult child who calls himself a husband is a real energy sucker, but guess what ladies? They become what we accepted and in most cases, encouraged….them to be.

When I took to Twitter to ask my followers about women and sex, this response won the thread..

“……. @One_PURE_Texan and @monicaonairtalk My wife works from home. So the stresses of life don’t over run our household. A good marriage is often more important that more money coming into the family bank account. A smaller home and a great marriage is better than a larger home and bad marriage…..”

I can’t even say AMEN to that enough! But there’s another component to this as well….

Most of you castrated your stallion years ago. But your sex/love/respect life CAN be recovered.

Sex. Want wild abandon? Pursue her heart. Want his eyes on you? Pursue peace.

Confess, forgive, accept, let go. Pray for each other. Be kind. Be friends. Laugh more. Be lovers. Write YOUR love story. Touch, taste, feel and choose to see the beauty, wonder, strength and fragility in the person lying next to you. Affirm all of it. Often.

Sex and good, honest loving sex can help restore every chemical your body was designed to utilize. There are plenty of NATURAL remedies to make things as they once were biologically speaking, but the emotional part will be up to your willingness to connect.

What we think, feel and meditate on will eventually become who we are physically. Stress, food, alcohol, professional and personal choices along with our addictions, all play a role in our biology and our ability to physically ‘perform’ without pills or technology.

Let your body catch up with your heart. Do what it takes to restore and replenish those dried up areas of your heart and body. Menopause isn’t a death sentence. Neither is andropause.

I meant what I said in my podcast, show me a bitter, caustic woman and I’ll show you a woman who’s tired, disappointed and in need of some great sex from a warm bodied man who can cover her heart while ‘taking’ her body.

If that triggers you, seek counsel.

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  • John R says:

    Amen nothing more important than physical intimacy, Love, lust, sex, both spontaneous or well planned. It is a pinnacle of a relationship. Granted there is more to life than sex but when your loved one no longer finds you appealing or is TOO BUSY on Facebook or such to be intimate (EITHER SEX) in any way there is a problem. Yes it can be recovered, but will take a longer time then the first time you lied eyes on eachother because the trust is broke, the passion is GONE and thrown away and too often it is easier to say IM TOO TIRED than to express that love intimately. GOD BLESS

  • Nya Major says:

    Great article. I personally believe it’s a systemic issue. Women primarily learn the art of sensuality from their mothers; in lieu of that, we learn from entertainment, music, movies, our female idols on tv. There’s been a generational breakdown of sexual morality that always creates discontent…

  • George says:

    I personally believe that something happens to women not only mentally but physically after menopause I know my wife and I have been married for over a third of a century but it definitely changes the I love yous, less frequent she doesn’t look at me the same way she used to but that’s okay and I’m okay with that because you know what if I didn’t love her then I wouldn’t be with her so I’m okay with that thank you Monica Matthews for putting this out here it’s a discussion that has to be had God bless your friend George

    • Monica Matthews says:

      undeniable. menopause changes everything. BUT it doesn’t have to. We have also been conditioned to accept it and even be afraid of the natural hormones our bodies once produced to make us the sexual beasts we are. She doesn’t look at you the same way because she doesn’t look at anything the same way. It’s literally the invasion of the body snatcher. Seriously. But women can and must take their sexual/limbic health into their own hands. Otherwise it becoemes an excuse and crutch that men are simply relegated to saying yes to a life o celibacy unnecessary. Hugs George!

  • Avril van der Merwe says:

    Definitely menopause contribute to most of our mentality of who we are. Help is always good in this area of a marriage. This is part of the glue that makes a marriage more passionate.

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