Happy Birthday To MEEEE!

It’s MY Birthday!

The day I was born many years ago. I am an unashamed forty-something year young, woman. LOL. As looks go, I see my flaws and I say to them, who cares?! My youthful spirit shows and that’s all that matters. I am healthy. I am happy. And it hasn’t always been this way.

Many birthdays have come and gone with a prevailing sinking feeling of why haven’t I done more with my life? After all, while all my friends were having more babies, taking family vacations, climbing corporate ladders and planning for college accounts and now retirement, I was simply surviving. Or so I thought.

In the throws of caring for an ill child for most of her young life, widowed, broke, no means of work, alienated from much of life, most birthdays just left me feeling angry & lonely. I would smile through the amazing birthday breakfasts and home-made cards from my precious gift of a daughter.

But under one layer of skin, was the nagging, accusing voice that somehow I was nothing more than a screw up, I couldn’t save my husband and now I can’t save my own child from a dreadful disease. I had missed my time to achieve anything in life. It would scream, “You will never manifest the life you see in your heart!” And I would think, wow, I must have really p*ssed God off for this to be my life. (the devil is a liar)

I knew what was deep inside of me, my talents and just needed a chance. But I had to wait. I had to wait my turn. I’m a work horse, I was raised to work and give to others. And I couldn’t. I became the charity case. And as I would humbly learn, to be a ‘love’ case isn’t such a bad thing. It’s how God kisses us and enables us to kiss others when they need it. Paying it forward. In my inability to give because of circumstance, I learned to receive. It wasn’t natural, but it was spiritual.

Many parents have the luxury of juggling both career and family. But when your child is chronically ill and you are alone, life takes on different challenges. A 9-5 wasn’t even an option much less dreams. Who had time for dreams? My heart became calloused to the ‘dreamers’. The long eye roll any time I would hear the word dream. 

Well, as God would have it, my talents were in fact there, but my gifts and subsequent dreams were being realized along the path of her disease that a very real spiritual enemy, meant for destruction. I held on to the promises of God with all I had and when I couldn’t do it any more, shaking my fists to heaven, He sent people to hold my arms up. He became a refuge because I just couldn’t do it another second. Too tired to make another silly choice to find rest under a counterfeit shade tree. Only HE would do.

In those dark hours, I was led to a ministry where I learned a lot about me, Monica  and the gifts placed in me to make the world a  better place and bring pleasure to my Creator, an actual loving father/daddy who sent his love in Jesus to draw me close not only now, but eternally. All of this revelation ultimately brought self acceptance and love: genuine happiness. But my humanity prevails some days and I forget how fearfully and wonderfully made I am.

Today is a new day with new mercies and my life’s circumstances have shifted. This birthday is different. Very different.

A few days ago, I walked the drugstore and ran across the card isle. I had an instant thought, “If I bought myself a birthday card, what would it say?” I giggled to myself and scurried over to the cards. I thought, hm.. how would I even categorize it? For Someone Special? For The Woman I Love? To My Best Friend? A conundrum.

I eventually found one that was for someone special. Someone who is beautiful. I’ve always been called beautiful. But as I describe in my book, beauty is something some people seek to wrangle for their own agreements with evil.  Over the years, my beauty has been assaulted. So, to choose a card that referred to me as beautiful was a compelling argument, even to myself, that I had in fact, come a long way baby!

The Card: A purple, glittered flower adorns the front and the message simple: a beautiful friend who brings happiness to others because of the joy inside.

At forty something, the raising of my daughter, completion of my book, love & honor for my mother, speaking into people’s lives, accepting his daily mercy and forgiveness, all amounts to: it’s finally my turn and I’m happy with me. Finally, my own friend. Anything beautiful I see in myself is only because He who is in me made it that way. He enabled me to see me the way He sees me. And I’m still discovering. 

I filled my birthday card out to both me and my heavenly Father since he was the first to see me in his heart before he ever sent me here. He knows me. Like no other. Because his gifts are manifesting and his love is growing inside me daily, I am now living my dream. A quick aside, to dream (Hebrew concordance) means to recover/restore. I was born for such a time as this.

And so were you!

I’m writing this knowing how odd this may seem to you. It was hilariously odd to me. But I’m an overcomer. And being odd, despite the odds, is what kept me alive long enough to overcome. I think they call that hoping against hope. Living for my daughter was one thing, living for me is another entirely. The world would have you believe it’s selfish to first care for yourself. As a Christian, that means, I first seek HIS care of me, His Kingdom and it’s righteousness. I have to learn how to care for me because all I’ve known is caring for others. I know I can do nothing apart from him that just won’t wear me slap out.

I find myself agreeing with the Apostle Paul more often than not these days, by the absolute grace of God, when he says, “be content regardless of your lot”.

My latest conundrum (word of the blog) is being forty something years old going on 22!! Yes! I just graduated from the college of parenthood, burying a spouse, losing my father, the road to hell and back and now it’s finally my turn to receive and pour. I just earned a degree (or two) that is propelling me on to the landscape of life to catch up and encourage the rest of you in this leg of your race.

I appreciatively accept the invitation to my life.

I will celebrate ME today and the God who created me. How else am I supposed to fulfill the law of loving God with all my heart and loving my neighbor as myself? 

I’ve come through too much hell to wait for someone else to give me permission to do anything in this life. Including celebrating me and all my imperfectly quirky ways.

I encourage you to celebrate yourself, without apology. If you bought yourself  a card and filled it out, what would it say?

I DARE you to have the courage to do it. (no one has to know) It takes courage because we fear what we will hear. But perfect love casts out fear. And getting honest with yourself is the first step in the truth and healing direction. You may be surprised by that small still voice who still sees YOU beyond what life has thrown at you. Beyond rough choices. He is the ultimate dreamer (restorer) and has dreams with your name on them.

Your identity is birthed in the heart of love because he IS love. So, don’t be afraid.

Begin your journey today of self honesty and love birthed from the Creator/ Truth and pass the gift of YOU forward.

Happy Birthday To Me!

xo,
Monica